Bolyard – Part 2


So here we go again. This guy is killin it. We’re talkin genocide. This dude is spitn out more absurd hilarity than anything tagged crank that on youtube. He’s just too fayust (like a nascar nascar nascar…) to keep up with. Just today he put out almost a page worth of courier new single-spaced with one inch margins. So know that there’s a whole show to go. Here’s part two:

+ how many of you are aware your bodies make hormones? *looking toward some chi omegas and baseball players* some of you are probably more aware of that than others in here.

+ b: *raises hand* any of you do any sewing? do i have any sewers? … … we’ve got one gentleman brave enough. what’s step one in sewing? / j: threading the needle / b: this protein is being threaded through that wall.

+ b: if you were to look out the window *draws blinds*, what do you see? / c: green. / b: green. *closes blinds*

+ where might have you have heard of reticulum before? … maybe you snake enthusiasts? no? no snake enthusiasts in here? … snake reticulum.

+ okay, how many of you have ever washed your hands? *amazingly, the hands begin to rise* okay, we’ll start there. we have almost 100% participation! *tear?* how many have washed their hands in dish soap? *show of hands declines to the typical participation rate* how many have blown bubbles? how many have not? some of you haven’t? you must. today. if you have never done that. rub your hands, make a fist. if you’re real good you’ll be able to get the bubble floating around. it’ll have this oily look. you got that visual picture in your mind? that’s exactly what’s happening here. *a minute and a half later* any of you successful, got it to float out there? it’s pretty hard to do.

+ is there anyone here who has to tell cell 2 billion 312 ‘it’s time’ for you to package proteins and move them around? do you have to tell yourself to do that? … … no.

+ back to our fedex illustration, those packages could go lots of places. if you think about it – there’s a billion places a package could be sent. and in the cell there’s basically 3. so it’s a little bit easier.

+ how many of you have stubbed your toe? scuffed your knee? closed your hand in a door? pain of any sort? that should be everybody. anyone who’s had a pain free life?

+ your cells, no matter how much they’d like, can’t directly interact with a hamburger.

+ a good bumper sticker is ‘my life depends on chloroplast,’ or ‘chloroplast saved my life.’ those aren’t real bumper stickers, but i think chloroplast is kinda underrated. that would make a good bumper sticker.

+ everybody do this: *wshooo* you’ve just exhaled carbon dioxide.

+ how many of you grow plants, water the grass, svhj…*trails off uncharacteristically*

+ go like this: *whuuuh* the reason you inhale is because you’re taking in oxygen.

+ there’s a sheep, just in case you were wondering *referring to isolated power point image of a bunch of sheep at a watering trough*

+ well, it’s really not a question. it’s not a whale, frog, date, or dandelion. it’s a human. it’s a whole nother kettle of fish when we ask when personhood begins.

+ b: can you think of why you would want to clone animals? / k: horses. / b: great example. if you have a horse that is really fast. / k: or in michael vick’s case his bulldog. / b: yes.

+ *throws grasshopper out window* … *gets it on second try* … *8 second delay, standing at window forlorn* ‘ve got some biology in here.

+ b: take an oath of secrecy – everyone’s gotta raise their right hand. / m: *whispering to me* alan, alan – right hand / *i was furiously writing all this stuff down, you think i had time to raise my right hand?* … *i switch hands* / b: okay. got new syllabus here. now look carefully. there’s new information – but some of it’s subliminal. you’ve got the new page numbers, which is a good thing in itself. but there’s also something else. … … okay, here’s the secret: every time you get a new course schedule – class gets easier. it’s a secret though. don’t tell anybody. don’t tell anybody from last semester or they’ll be mad.

+ b: any of you know someone who’s had an organ transplant? know what organ transplant is? / *jonathan raises his hand* / b: jonathan, what’s the deal with an organ transplant, what’s gotta happen? / girl: blood types have to be the same / b: that’s right, *apparently showing no disdain for someone else of a completely different gender answering jonathan’s question* now let’s think about kidneys – think about the question i just asked you.

Much more to come, my friends. Much more.

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