Bolyard – Part 1


I like this guy. I really do. He opens class in prayer more than any teacher I’ve had in my four year tenure. And, he’s actually been at a secular university and stood up for his faith – in the sciences no less. Yet, so many folk in the class are so helplessly lost that they can’t even appreciate his emphasis on the Christian worldview. Oh, but they’ve heard it already, right? Perhaps so, but I fear the day they get the guts to claim they’re a Christian anywhere outside of this place. The atheists are gonna have a field day. But anyway. To the gravy.

So I was going to CLEP the class – but I actually started enjoying it. Still do. But let me tell you something, this guy is starving – no – fiending for class participation. Bolyard and interaction is like Chris Crocker and attention – they’ve both got the shakes. The thing is, though, his goal has never been humor – just participation. Which fits him right within the Grizzly Man litmus: ‘If x was intended to be funny – it wouldn’t be.’ I’m going to put it this way: I now take more quotes than notes when it comes to class. And I’m sorry – no, I’m not, now that I think of it, and you shouldn’t be either. I’m not sorry to split this up into indefinite syndication because you’re gonna love the content.

Part one, and be looking for the rest – I mean, this isn’t even to the halfway point, folks:

+ b: does anyone know what col1.16-17 is? / a: it’s kinda the original fubu, you know, the for us by us / b: *extremely blank stare* … … … .. / a: it’s the for Him by Him, Christ created, all things were created through Him for Him and by Him. / b: – right! / a: *sitting by brian lake with mack bealim in the left peripheral, and pure ice in the room*

+ how many letters are in the alphabet?

+ if you looked out in the parking lot what would you see? this is not a trick question?

+ i’ve seen a car *in mid-sentence, turns statement into a question* that looks like a hot dog? how many people have seen a weinermobile? i saw one one time and thought it was pretty cool.

+ do any of you own a convertible? familiar with the concept of a convertible? a convertible does not like the rain.

+ you ever seen pictures of spiral staircases or have one in your house?

+ how many of you like scrambled eggs? and for those of you who don’t, know what i’m talking about?

+ how many of you have something that uses velcro? how many of you have ever heard of velcro?

+ how many of you’ve used jello molds, you know, like a waffle? anything – you can make a corvette, you can do anything, it doesn’t matter.

+ b: any of you wearing necklaces? / *girl accidentally makes eye contact* / b: can you take that off? a necklace – can you hold that up – each has units – thank you very much – and each has links.

+ how many of you are taking a foreign language? have taken a foreign language? aware there are other languages?

+ b: i hope none of you have ever done this, sit around and think about your organs – contemplate, meditate. have any of you ever done this? / a: *raises hand* / b: i would suggest a pet or a hobby, fishtank – that’d be good.

+ when you walk out there on a cloudless day, what are you exposed to? what is that big orange ball out there?

+ b: *bending thumb* look what i can do / k: were you abused as a child? / b: no! *volleys back and forth distorted thumb* it’s genetic.

+ any of you ever watched the championship dog shows? aware there are dogs?

+ mendel was a pea eater. anybody like peas? cmon, throw on a few onions, some butter?

+ *explaining phenotypes between flowers* it’s like a sweater. you’ve got purple sweaters, blue sweaters. they’re both sweaters, but they’re different colors.

+ any of you ever have x-rays? men in particular, what happens to you when you get an x-ray? *incredible pause…long enough that most of the class started talking again, thus forcing bolyard to say the following part even louder* b/c the x-ray can change dna in sperm.

+ there’s so called ‘crack babies’ where children are affected by the drug use of the mother.

+ how many of you know your blood type? it’s a good thing to know your blood type if you don’t know. perhaps that’s something you might want to find out.

+ *referring to the son of the russian czar who got hemophilia* he didn’t have enough time to recover from the problem because they shot him. it was kinda a drag.

+ how many of you like the mall? know what malls are? *pause* nnnoooo. you know what a mall is though. well this is a radio mall. there’s 30,000 radios there and one guy thinks it’d be a good idea to see if some of the radios are on or off. well, micro array is kinda like that.

+ you think about your stuff. you’ve got stuff. i’ve got my desk, and my attic – that i’ll never see again.

+ b: what is it that you…if you scratch yourself on a rusty nail what are you supposed to do? / *short pause, freshman girl answers* / b: *as if he needed to expound further* you can have one of these guys hunkered down on a rusty nail for 50 years. they can just sit there and wait for you to come and scratch yourself.

+ what would happen if you went into your house, separated from the outside world? now for some of you you might like that for a few hours. no water coming in, no sewage going out – no air … … does that sound like fun? … … no! … what would happen? … you’d die.

+ how many of you like geometry? took geometry?

+ *raises hand* you probably learned about the metric system in second grade, right? learned about meters – used a meter stick?

+ you ever wonder why you need oxygen? … when you breathe … you ever sat around and thought about that? anyone wanna guess? … … … okay.

+ b: how many of you have gotten a care package? / *again, inadvertent eye contact* / b: how did it get here? / g: my mom / b: and what was the process? / g: well, she had to bring the stuff to the post office / b: she put a label on it? / g: yes. and she sent it. / b: and how do you think it got here? / g: probably postman. / b: *2 minutes later in midsentence* thank you again for sharing that, by the way.

+ any of you ever seen castaway? it’s about how things are sorted or packaged – like FedEx.

Much more to come, my friends. Much more.

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